


Tina Belcher, Zombie Queen

by owlinaminor



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Dancing, F/M, Other, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 15:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2817947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlinaminor/pseuds/owlinaminor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tina was flawless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tina Belcher, Zombie Queen

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was written as a holiday present for my friend emily. she requested that I write an erotic friend fiction like something tina belcher would write, and this masterpiece was the result.

It was quiet in the halls of the school.  _Too_ quiet.

Tina wandered from hallway to hallway in her regular blue skirt and shirt.  Her sneakers padded softly across the floor, like soft things.  Clouds, maybe.  Or cotton balls.  Or Tina’s heart, according to Louise.  Whatever – the important thing was, she walked, and nobody was with her, like in that song Dad likes about a broken road or something.  There was no Gene to complain about how lunch was three whole hours away, no Louise to plot evil schemes for torturing her teachers, no Jimmy Junior to thrust into his locker, no Zeke to punch stuff, no anybody.

Tina started to get very nervous, all alone in that empty hallway.  Had school been cancelled without anyone telling her?  Had she thought it was a Friday when it was really a Saturday, or had Louise messed with her calendar again?  She almost expected someone to jump out of the closet and yell at her – a hall monitor telling her she was really late, maybe, or Mr. Frond with a new calming discussion technique he wanted her to try out, or even an axe murderer.  Louise loved axe murderers – maybe she’d hired one as a prank?

Somebody did end up jumping out of a closet at Tina, but it wasn’t an axe murderer.  It was somebody much, _much_ better: a zombie.

The zombie was a boy, probably about thirteen, with blonde hair and a really cute smile.  (At least, Tina thought he probably would’ve had a really cute smile, if half of his mouth hadn’t been falling apart.)  His skin was green, like the mold Mom finds under the sink when Dad only _says_ he’s been cleaning instead of actually cleaning, and his clothes were all ragged, but in a totally cute way.

“Hi,” Tina said.

The cute boy zombie grunted something that she thought was probably “Hi,” back.

“My name’s Tina.  What’s yours?”

The cute boy zombie grunted something that Tina couldn’t catch.  She decided to call him Andrew.

“So, what’s going on?” Tina asked Andrew.  “Is this, like, the zombie apocalypse?  Is Louise on the verge of taking over the world or something?”

Andrew didn’t answer.  Instead, he motioned for Tina to follow him, then started shuffling towards the auditorium.  Tina wasn’t sure what was in the auditorium (although she was hoping for more cute boy zombies), but one of her guiding principles in life was almost always do what cute boys tell you to do, so she followed a few steps behind him.

Andrew grunted something Tina thought was, “You can walk _with_ me if you want, you know.”

“No, I’m good,” Tina called back.  And she was.  Andrew had a really nice butt, for a zombie.  Actually, he had a really nice butt for a boy, in general.  Not that Tina was in the business of ranking butts – she just liked them.  A lot.

Thoughts of butts carried Tina all the way to the auditorium, which was filled with more cute boy zombies (like I totally foreshadowing-ded a little bit ago.)  The zombies cheered when they saw her – well, as much as zombies _can_ cheer, which is not a lot.  Actually, they sort-of grunted aggressively at her, like a whole lot of lawnmowers starting at once.  Tina still appreciated the effort.

The zombies told Tina to sit down in the front row of the auditorium, then they got her some popcorn, soda, and candy.  Tina wasn’t sure where it had all come from, but it tasted delicious, and she really liked how all the zombies were waiting on her, like she was their queen or something.

Once the zombies got Tina all settled in, they assembled on stage.  The lights all went off, except for a couple of spotlights.  (Tina turned around and saw techie zombies in the control booth at the back.  She waved at them, and they waved back.  One of them had his hand fall off, which she kind-of felt bad about, but she thought he could probably put it back.)

And then, the zombies started to breakdance.

They had music, and colored lights, and really cool choreography, and everything.  They could’ve been a professional dance troupe, if it weren’t for the fact that their limbs kept falling off.  Tina was pretty sure most judges would overlook that, though.  It wasn’t their fault they were zombies.  (Really cute boy zombies.)

It turned out that the breakdancing zombies weren’t the only act in the show – the zombies had planned a whole variety of acts for Tina.  (Like a variety show!  I think.)  There were ghosts tap-dancing, which was pretty hard, since their tap shoes didn’t really want to stay on.  There were goblins doing ballet, their _pointe_ making them a whole inch taller.  (Their rendition of Swan Lake was very beautiful.  Tina cried.)  There were vampires twerking, their capes waving around all over the place.  (They didn’t have any spotlights, but Tina could still see them.)  There were mummies doing a square dance.  (At least, Tina thought they were – their bandages all came undone and they had to cut their act a bit short.)

And finally, for the last act, the zombies called on Tina to take to the stage.

At first, she was a little reluctant – she’d only danced a few times, and none of them were that good.  But the zombies enticed her with their cute boy eyes and cute boy smiles.  She couldn’t resist.

She danced with Andrew, the first zombie she’d met.  He spun her around, picked her up, and spun her once more, and she wasn’t even a little scared that he’d drop her.  She felt like she was flying.  And then, she realized that she was really good at dancing – a natural.  She was like one of those Russian ballerinas, or backup dancers in Beyonce music videos.

Tina was flawless.

All the zombies started grunting in unison.  To Tina, it sounded like they were chanting her name: “Tina!  Tina!  Tina!”

But soon, Tina realized that it wasn’t just her imagination – everyone had come to watch her dance!  The auditorium was full, with her family, her friends, her teachers, Mr. Fischoeder, that weird lady who sells ground-up plants on street corners, and everyone.  Tammy was crying because she knew that she could never be as flawless as Tina.  It was the best moment of Tina’s life.

Then, Jimmy Junior got up out of his front row seat and ascended the stairs to the stage.

“Hey, Tina,” he said.

“Hey, Jimmy Junior,” Tina said.

“So, um ... Tina.”  Jimmy Junior got down on one knee.  Suddenly, he was holding an enormous bouquet of roses.  “I know you’re, like, the coolest person ever, way cooler than me, but ... Would you maybe want to go out?  Like, dating?”

Tina thought about that for a minute.  She and Jimmy Junior had a complicated history, it was true, but he was the cutest non-zombie boy she knew.  That butt always pulled her right back in.

“Okay,” Tina said.  “But only if you’re cool with me seeing Andrew on the side.”

“Who’s Andrew?” Jimmy Junior asked.

Tina pointed at Andrew.  “This is Andrew.”

Jimmy Junior looked at Andrew.  Andrew looked at Jimmy Junior.  (They actually could’ve been twins, except that Andrew was a zombie and Jimmy Junior wasn’t.)

“Okay,” Jimmy Junior said.

Tina kissed Jimmy Junior, and then she kissed Andrew, and then she took a bow to really huge applause.  (Like, bigger than at the Oscars applause.)

And they all lived happily ever after.  The end.


End file.
